Sunday 18 January, 2009
San Andreas – Day 1
I popped the game in and watched the opening cinematics. I’m a stereotypical thug, cool. I'm leaving the air port, returning from out of town. I’m here to bury my mom or something, but the cops are out to get me and make my life hell, I guess. Why they be hatin’? They arrest me and drive around, eventually arriving in a bad neighborhood. They throw me out of the car, and I gain control. There’s a bike, which the game tells me to hop on. Who am I to argue? I pedal off and immediately crash into the first telephone pole in the game. Yeesh, controls are kinda jittery. I get back on, and not 20 feet further I nearly hit an officer. He immediately destroys me with his nightstick and arrests me. Wow, I have to be the worst gangster ever. I “wake up” at the police station, and decide to keep moving. I lost my bike though, so now I have to walk to my target, CJ or something. That is, until I remember what game I’m playing. I run out into the middle of the street and carjack the first dude who comes by. What now, bitches?
I arrive at CJ’s, with my car in less than great condition (who actually drives on roads, anyway?). The house is empty, and Carl (my character) is freaking out for some reason. I realize this is my house because some dude called Big Smoke comes in and calls me CJ. And he tells me my mom was murdered, so I guess that will be my mission for this game. And now we drive off…somewhere. I’ll be honest, I’m not paying attention to the cutscenes. We meet up with some other dudes, and everyone starts yelling. And then someone does a drive-by, a car explodes, and I regain control. I hop onto a bike and follow the other guys I was with. The car chases us and shoots us a few times. What a jerk.
Anyway, we get back to our part of the neighborhood. I save the game, and decide to ditch the main story for a bit. The guys I’m with just keep making fun of me, so I think I’ll find something fun to do. I hate riding the bike, so I carjack some dude’s van. The driver actually puts up a fight, so I pummel his face until he goes down. Sweet. I start driving, and see a group of people dressed in purple. I figure they’re a rival gang or something, so I run them down. Gotta represent my crew. I keep driving around, looking for something to do. So many buildings, yet I can’t go into any of them. It’s no wonder why I left this place. I accidentally drive into a river, so I ditch the van.
I hijack a semi-truck this time, but a cop sees me, so I speed out of there. Well, speed as well as a truck can. I eventually leave the truck in the middle of the street and cause a traffic jam; evil personified. I'm growing extremely bored, so I decide to cause as much trouble as I can before I stop for the night. I punch out a prostitute who’s near me. Astonishingly, she whips out a gun and completely destroys me. The screen fades to black, and I wake up at the hospital. I am seriously the worst gangster ever.